Archive for the ‘TTC’ Category

Still on hold

We haven’t changed our status to active yet and we’re not sure when we will.  We didn’t recover as much money as we thought we would and frankly we’re still feeling emotionally wrought from this summer.  I’m sure if we got another call, we’d find a way to be ready, but we’re just not quite ready to go full force again.  Part of me wishes they would just call, but the odds of that happening are rather slim since the last time we spoke to them we told them we’d let them know when we were 100% ready.  I guess I’m just wishing we had more of a sign of what we’re supposed to be doing right now.

In the meantime I read an interesting book recently called, Healing Syndrome O, by Dr. Ronald Fienberg.  It’s about PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome and insulin resistance) which is what I have.  It was not an easy read as he has quite a different opinion on treatment than most reproductive endocrinologists.  It’s still unclear as to how much of it is genetic, but what it seems to be is that while it starts out as a genetic issue, it can become exacerbated by poor nutrition and a sedentary lifestyle.  Both of which I’m extremely guilty of.  So reading the book made me take a closer look at myself and my behaviors.  If was I 14 now and just now experiencing the initial symptoms (as I did when I was 14) then I think I would have gotten helpful information that might have stopped everything from progressing.  But that didn’t happen so with the predisposition that the syndrome causes and a less than stellar healthy lifestyle things snowballed to where I am now.  So yeah, it was uncomfortable to read and know that most of this is of my own doing, at the same time it’s the first time I’ve had hope that I won’t always struggle with all of this.  So that’s my goal.  To get rid of all of this mess, get off the blood pressure meds, get my body back in shape and get my hormones all regulated.  That would be sooooo nice!


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Life goes on

We haven’t gone back “active” just yet, we’re waiting until DH comes back from his conference before we make a final decision about what we want to do.  In the meantime I’m working on me.  I decided that I might not ever be ready to do full-fledged fertility treatments again, but we might try naturally again sometime in the future.  I’ve never had a doctor tell me I can’t get pregnant on my own, just that our odds weren’t great.  Coincidentally I’ve been having issues, a 3-week long period to be exact, so I went to the RE today to have tests run.  I forgot how wonderful everyone in that office was.  They went through my file and said that based on the fact that the baby we lost was a “normal girl” and my hormone levels at the time were normal then there’s no reason why I can’t carry a healthy baby to term.  It gave me a little hope.  It’s still terrifying, to be sure, as all the tests and sonograms and the threat of another miscarriage is waiting in the wings, but no good thing comes without risk.  None of this changes our adoption plans.  We still feel called to adoption.  And we’ll continue pursuing it, we just might pursue the other stuff next year sometime.  But I have a lot to do to get my body ready for that.  My body is still in rough repair from all the fertility meds and obviously my hormones are way out of whack right now.  They ran a battery of tests on me today, including 3 vials of blood and hopefully we’ll have some answers soon.  We’re still hoping we find our baby soon, this year would be so great, but we’ll wait for the right one no matter how long.

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When you start trying to conceive you become a bit more open with your bodily functions.  You talk about your cycle and your husband begins to learn things about the woman’s body that he could not have imagined.  When you struggle with infertility it gets worse.  There are no secrets between a husband and a wife when they’re in the midst of infertility treatments.  Your love life is reduced to a few minutes with a cup (for him) and a few minutes with a syringe (for her).  And every cycle you wait and watch.  Are your nipples really sensitive or have you just been poking on them too much whilst trying to determine if they’re sensitive?  Are you feeling queasy or is that just last night’s left-over pizza talking to you?  Was that a twinge in my left ovary?  And it goes on.  And it drives you nuts.  And it drives your DH nuts.  Because every cycle you wonder, is this the month?  Were we successful?  And if so, will we carry to term?

It has been this way at our house for over a year.  Not long in the overall scheme of things when you compare our infertility journey to many couples, but long enough for me.  This morning, though, I hit a milestone.  (and here comes the part about sharing too much information about myself)  I went to the restroom and discovered my period had arrived.  Now every cycle before this one, this has sent me spiraling down into depression.  Today, though, I shrugged, took care of business and went on my merry way.  I don’t feel sad.  I don’t feel discouraged.  I feel a bit crampy, but that’s usual for me.  All I can think about is the incredible peace I have about adoption and knowing that soon (in 6 days to be exact) we’ll be able to apply to the agency.  Of course we’ll actually be on a romantic mountain getaway until 2 days later, but then we’ll make the move.  And we’ll have officially started this exciting and sure to be a bit harrowing journey.  But oh-so-worth-it in the end!

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Starting a new thing is always difficult. We’re reluctant to change and are quite happy with the status quo. Yet new things, beginnings, are always around the corner. It’s a new year, we’re about to start a new month, and I’m starting a new book. Now some writers might really love to start new books, but not me. I wish I could skip the first few chapters and just jump in about chapter 5, but it just doesn’t work that way. So I’m stuck, wondering how this should go, trying to get a feel for these new characters, would she say this? would he do that? And it’s soooo slow going. But I’m determined to get this proposal done.

I’m also getting back into my daily exercise and even though that was a habit a few months ago, my mind and body have long forgotten that. So making myself do the work is a struggle every single day.

Well, my temperature this morning didn’t change anything on my chart, so maybe I really did ovulate. Stranger things have happened. But with PCOS, you just never know what to expect.

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I’m back

I’ve been away for several weeks because frankly I didn’t know what to write. I set this up as our adoption blog, but then we haven’t been able to move forward with that so I felt like I had nothing to say. But while we’re on hold from pursuing adoption we certainly have other things going on in our lives.

Busy, busy, busy has been my motto the last few weeks. Mostly with my writing, but also with the house. I’ve taken the first steps to becoming a Flybaby and my kitchen is sparkling and my laundry is staying fairly current. I’ve turned in proposals for my next book as well as a new series proposal idea to my agents and am waiting for feedback. In the meantime I’m working on the next book in hopes that we will go to contract again soon. The time in between contracts can be so nerve-wracking.

I’ve also been doing well keeping on top of my healthy me work. Exercising and eating right and trying new, healthy recipes. It’s all working together and someday I hope I’ll wake up and be a much healthier person.

I think I might have ovulated this cycle, which was rather surprising because it wasn’t looking like it was going to happen and last cycle was such a bust. So maybe those herbs/vitamins I’ve been taking are actually working. I just want my body to work the way it’s supposed to so any indication of regulated hormones is a good sign for me.

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A newfound peace

Last night was rough. I just felt torn. Felt like if I chose adoption, then that meant I was giving up on having birth children. And the fact of it is, I want both. Adoption isn’t an alternative for me or a last resort or “well, then I guess we’ll adopt” kind of thing. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do with or without birth children. So feeling pulled between the two was causing significant emotional stress. Because the fact of the matter is, we can’t afford to pursue adoption and continue paying for treatments at the clinic. We have to make a financial choice.

So last night was hard. I cried. A lot. I feel so pulled to start adoption yet I was just afraid of what it meant. So I decided that I wanted to do at least two more treatments and then we’d start the paperwork. Then today was hard. I cried. A lot. I don’t want to choose. But the not doing anything is driving me nuts. So I prayed and cried and I told God, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to know, without a shadow of a doubt, what I’m supposed to do right now. I need to know.

At some point after that, everything felt more calm. Could be because I finally took my blood pressure medicine. 🙂 But I think it was peace. It just washed over me. I know what to do. I’m done. Done with fertility treatments. Done with fertility medications and invasive procedures and shots and needles and the like. Done, done, done! If I’m going to get pregnant, I want to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.

When you’re dealing with PCOS as your infertility problem, natural pregnancy is a possibility, it’s just not an assurance. So we have a shot, just not a great one, but I can live with that. I don’t want to spend any more money on that. I want to save our money to get our daughter from China. Because we know she’s there. Not born yet likely, but we know we have a little girl in China with our name on her.

I talked to DH about all of this and he is in complete agreement. He’d already put his mind on the adoption thing anyways so it wasn’t much of a leap for him to go through my mental process. I’m sure I’ll still have doubts and fears and impatience (lots of impatience) as it stands the overall wait for kiddos in China right now is running 18-24 months. That’s a long time. But it will be so worth it. We’re planning to attend an informational meeting on the 4th and we’ll get some questions answered then and then sometime after that we’ll bite the bullet and fill out our application.

The peace is nice. It’s soothing. And calming. I just feel so quiet.

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Well, it appears as if we failed. Again. Three cycles in a row since our miscarriage and I’m just at a loss. I had such hope for this one with the new meds, but my body just isn’t cooperating.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of all the focus on me. I’m tired of hoping and waiting and testing and failing. And now we have to take a break. I’m sure my body needs it. I know my emotions do. At the same time I’m so afraid of not trying, it feels as if we’re giving up, walking away. But we simply can’t afford any more treatments at the time. Sure would be nice if we lived in a state that mandated infertility be covered by insurance.

I don’t even know how long of a break we have to take. The money I earn comes in so sporadically and far apart that we really have to stretch it to make it last. I have a check coming any day now, but we need it for living expenses. The next one won’t come in until after the first of the year.

So we’ll hit our due date with no new life on the way. We’ll endure the holidays without our child that was supposed to be here right after Thanksgiving. And to make matters worse, I can’t go home and see my family. My parents are coming here after Christmas for a few days, but I don’t know when I’ll see my nieces and nephew again, not to mention my siblings. It just feels so isolating. And we haven’t really made friends here, except for a few of DH’s colleagues. Everyone our age has children, so there’s really not a whole lot we have in common with anyone.

I’m trying to look into foster care right now. It just seems like we have an extra room, we have more than enough love to give. But I think right now we’d only be prepared to take babies and I’m not sure exactly how that works. I’m waiting for the representative in our county to call me back so we can get all the information.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my mind occupied, but it’s so difficult. Especially since I work from home – I don’t have co-workers to distract me. I’m going to work on becoming one of those people who cleans compulsively when they’re sad. That seems like a good use of energy. We’ll see how that goes.

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