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Archive for October, 2007

Conflicted

I’m hesitant to even write some of this here because I know what I’m about to say might cause offense for some, but you know it’s my blog and it’s how I feel and so I’m going to say it.  Just keep in mind this is my opinion.

We went through a lot this summer with the whole adoption thing.  Less than some have endured, more than others.  Needless to say the experience did not leave us unaffected.  I’ve had a lot time to process everything, a lot time to examine and feel and really get at the heart of where I am when it comes to this journey we’ve been on.  And conflicted is really the best way I can describe it.  I want wholeheartedly to adopt someday, whether that be China (which is still my first choice), through foster care or some other method, but domestic infant adoption isn’t sitting well with me at the moment.  Plenty of people are successful at this and perhaps this is just how I learned that this isn’t the best option for our family.  I’m not sure.  All I know is when it comes down to it if the only reason a woman/girl is feeling the need to give her baby up for adoption I’d rather come up with ways to help her afford it than to adopt her child.

Sure, I know some of you are thinking that this is just a knee-jerk response coming from a woman who had two mothers change their mind.  I mean who wouldn’t have some negative feelings towards adoption after our experience.  Perhaps that’s what this is, but honestly I just don’t think so.  I had some of these feelings before we even started down this road.  Namely when I try to put myself in their shoes, and I just can’t.  Because all I know is that at no time in my life, regardless of the situation, would I have ever given up a child.  And I know my family would have been right there with me.  So how then can I in good conscience adopt a child when I could instead find ways to assist the mother so that she could raise them herself?  I realize there are a million scenarios that lead to adoption, only one of which is financial, but to me (and for our family) adoption should be about orphans and these babies weren’t orphans.

Like I said, it’s a conflicted frame of mind.  Because still I feel called to adopt, but I can’t seem to erase these feelings I have.  I knew going down this road that it would be complicated, but I never really appreciated just how much.  How much your empathy can get in the way of your own happiness and desires.   I think domestic infant adoption exists for a reason and I know grown adults who were adopted as babies and who are so thankful they were so I know it works.  Maybe just for us, for right now, it’s simply not the right choice.  I just don’t know how I could drive away with a baby in my backseat knowing how ripped apart the mother felt.

So for now we’re still waiting.  Our adoption fund is still woefully low since I failed matches this summer and for now that’s okay.  We know when the timing is right we’ll find the money again.  And if we lived in any other state, we’d be pursuing fost-adopt right now, but Tennessee has weird rules for that.  In the meantime we’re concentrating on each other and on our health.  I know our blessing is just around the corner.

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