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Archive for October, 2006

Happy Halloween

This is one of my most favorite days of the year. DH and I won’t be dressing up nor will we be going anywhere. But I’ve got my candy ready and my decorations out. Now I just have to wait for that first DING-DONG sound of the doorbell. Ghouls, Superman, princesses, cowboys, witches, lions, cats and whatnot, they’ll all be here with their little faces painted, carrying their little pumpkins, some of them proudly saying, “Trick or Treat!” others clinging tightly to their parent’s side.

I’ve always been a sucker for all the little Trick-or-Treators and can’t wait to have some little ones of our own to dress up. I’ve always liked the little bug costumes, especially the ladybug. And that brings us back to the Chinese adoption thing – I’ve seen many references to ladybugs on other adoption blogs, but I have yet to see an explanation. I can guess it has something to do with the fact that ladybugs are supposed to be lucky. But I’m not sure. Anyone know?

The bug thing crossed over to the nursery bedding that I like. All of the girl stuff I wanted had bugs on it. Before DH and I went to look at nursery stuff, I mentioned wanting to find bug stuff if we had a girl adn DH just looked at me with a blank stare. Poor guy was thinking spiders and cockroaches. He was most relieved when I showed him the bedding with the ladybugs and dragonflys. So anyways if someone knows the ladybug connections, just post me a comment and let me know.

Have I mentioned how excited I am about the meeting this Saturday? I just can’t wait.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN. Enjoy your little monsters tonight!

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Catch up

I’ve been out of town all weekend, up in Ohio, for my brother-in-law’s wedding. Everything went off without a hitch and the happy couple is on their way to their honeymoon today. I’m tired and it was so nice to sleep in our bed last night, but the weekend was great. It’s so frustrating to not be closer to one of our families, and our friends are spread out all across the country, so it’s nice to, on ocassion, get to see other people.

We filled in his family on our adoption plans and they knew we were already thinking about all this, but they seemed supportive that we’re ready to move forward. I think everyone is just willing to support us in any of our choices regarding starting our family, which is truly great.

So this Saturday is our first meeting with the agency we’ve selected. I’m so excited to meet other families and get more information. I don’t know that I have too many questions right now – it might be a little early for that, but I’m sure by the time I’m back Saturday evening I’ll have a list of them. I have a fellow author friend who is over there right now and yesterday was her Gotcha Day – I’m just so thrilled for her! I love the fact that adoption has become so popular. It’s just so exciting that everyday orphans are finding their forever families. We can’t wait for ours!

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Obsession

So I just thought I was obsessed when we were trying to conceive. There are so many amazing adoption resources on-line that I’ve already spent a ton of time perusing everything. And let’s not forget all the really cool blogs of families who have completed the process or are in the midst of the journey. I haven’t yet joined the email newsgroup, but I’m considering it, I just don’t know if I should until after we’re officially in the process. But I can tell right now that I’ll be eagerly watching all the reports of referrals like all the other families. The whole process is so exciting. Although I’m sure once we’ve begun that excitment will wane and we’ll face impatience, frustration and lots and lots of waiting.

I’ve contacted some local families who have completed the process (resources sent from the agencies) and some have been so kind to send along pictures of their beautiful daughters. I really can’t wait to go to the meeting on the 4th so we can meet some of these families in person. They’ve been so generous with their experiences and knowledge. I can already tell that the adoption community is an extra special one, and one I’m most eager to be a part of.

I’m still trying to figure out all the language that everyone uses, not to mention the acronyms. It’s a maze to navigate, to be sure. My husband and I have already discussed names and oddly enough, they’re different than the ones we talked about when we were trying. I think we might have even settled on one already, but we’re going to leave that open for a while since we’re still so early. But I’m, of course, already jumping way ahead of myself and thinking about clothes and nursury decorations. Deep breaths, Robyn, all in good time.

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A newfound peace

Last night was rough. I just felt torn. Felt like if I chose adoption, then that meant I was giving up on having birth children. And the fact of it is, I want both. Adoption isn’t an alternative for me or a last resort or “well, then I guess we’ll adopt” kind of thing. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do with or without birth children. So feeling pulled between the two was causing significant emotional stress. Because the fact of the matter is, we can’t afford to pursue adoption and continue paying for treatments at the clinic. We have to make a financial choice.

So last night was hard. I cried. A lot. I feel so pulled to start adoption yet I was just afraid of what it meant. So I decided that I wanted to do at least two more treatments and then we’d start the paperwork. Then today was hard. I cried. A lot. I don’t want to choose. But the not doing anything is driving me nuts. So I prayed and cried and I told God, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to know, without a shadow of a doubt, what I’m supposed to do right now. I need to know.

At some point after that, everything felt more calm. Could be because I finally took my blood pressure medicine. 🙂 But I think it was peace. It just washed over me. I know what to do. I’m done. Done with fertility treatments. Done with fertility medications and invasive procedures and shots and needles and the like. Done, done, done! If I’m going to get pregnant, I want to get pregnant the old-fashioned way.

When you’re dealing with PCOS as your infertility problem, natural pregnancy is a possibility, it’s just not an assurance. So we have a shot, just not a great one, but I can live with that. I don’t want to spend any more money on that. I want to save our money to get our daughter from China. Because we know she’s there. Not born yet likely, but we know we have a little girl in China with our name on her.

I talked to DH about all of this and he is in complete agreement. He’d already put his mind on the adoption thing anyways so it wasn’t much of a leap for him to go through my mental process. I’m sure I’ll still have doubts and fears and impatience (lots of impatience) as it stands the overall wait for kiddos in China right now is running 18-24 months. That’s a long time. But it will be so worth it. We’re planning to attend an informational meeting on the 4th and we’ll get some questions answered then and then sometime after that we’ll bite the bullet and fill out our application.

The peace is nice. It’s soothing. And calming. I just feel so quiet.

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Taking the plunge

DH and I have always wanted to adopt, it was one of the first things that attracted me to him. He mentioned it in a casual conversation early in our courtship and I had already felt called to adoption myself. After we got married, we talked about waiting until we were older and had kids of our own and we planned to adopt some older children. But over the last few months we’ve been more and more led to look at international adoption. Since it was something we wanted to do regardless of our own fertility, we’ve decided we don’t want to wait any longer.

I’ve been collecting information from different agencies since the beginning of the summer and we believe we found the agency we want to use. Chinese Children Adoption International seems to have all of the elements we’ve been looking for and while we won’t start the process until after the first of the year, we have a great packet of information now and plan to attend one of their workshops at the front of this next month.

I will always hope to be blessed with birth children, but I know in my heart that I will love my children the same no matter how they come into my life.

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Sadness

Well, it appears as if we failed. Again. Three cycles in a row since our miscarriage and I’m just at a loss. I had such hope for this one with the new meds, but my body just isn’t cooperating.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of all the focus on me. I’m tired of hoping and waiting and testing and failing. And now we have to take a break. I’m sure my body needs it. I know my emotions do. At the same time I’m so afraid of not trying, it feels as if we’re giving up, walking away. But we simply can’t afford any more treatments at the time. Sure would be nice if we lived in a state that mandated infertility be covered by insurance.

I don’t even know how long of a break we have to take. The money I earn comes in so sporadically and far apart that we really have to stretch it to make it last. I have a check coming any day now, but we need it for living expenses. The next one won’t come in until after the first of the year.

So we’ll hit our due date with no new life on the way. We’ll endure the holidays without our child that was supposed to be here right after Thanksgiving. And to make matters worse, I can’t go home and see my family. My parents are coming here after Christmas for a few days, but I don’t know when I’ll see my nieces and nephew again, not to mention my siblings. It just feels so isolating. And we haven’t really made friends here, except for a few of DH’s colleagues. Everyone our age has children, so there’s really not a whole lot we have in common with anyone.

I’m trying to look into foster care right now. It just seems like we have an extra room, we have more than enough love to give. But I think right now we’d only be prepared to take babies and I’m not sure exactly how that works. I’m waiting for the representative in our county to call me back so we can get all the information.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my mind occupied, but it’s so difficult. Especially since I work from home – I don’t have co-workers to distract me. I’m going to work on becoming one of those people who cleans compulsively when they’re sad. That seems like a good use of energy. We’ll see how that goes.

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A whole new vocabulary

Once you start on the trying to conceive journey, if you’re on-line with your quest at all, you’ll soon learn there is an entire language that goes with it. Case in point, the phrase trying to conceive become TTC for short. Lots of acronyms and abreviations and it can get really confusing. And since DH and I aren’t doing IVF (in-vitro fertilization), then there are even more of these that I’m not familiar with.

But those I know:

IUI – intrauterine insemination (aka artificial insemination)
BBT – body basal temperature
CM – cervical mucous
BD – baby dancing (aka the deed)
O – ovulation
BFN/BFP – big fat negative/positive (for pregnancy tests)
Follicles – these are what contain eggs within your ovaries
stimming – to describe follicle stimulating injectable medication

There are more, but that’s the gist of them. In the meantime, I’m still waiting to test and hopefully have good news. I’m still having symptoms, so maybe that’s a good thing.

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