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Archive for September, 2006

OUCH!

The IUI was Friday morning and it was a doozie! Very painful and she had to call in reinforcements. But finally we got it done and I’m hoping all the pain was worth it. The first one, that worked, was also very painful, so maybe that’s a good sign. Ordinarily IUI’s aren’t painful, at least that’s what I’m told. I think it’s just an anatomy thing with me.

My E2 level was consistent with 1 mature egg even though I had 4 that were large enough. But the Femara I was on suppresses E2 so there’s a change it just wasn’t out of my system out yet and the blood test wasn’t completely accurate. So I either had 1 or 4 eggs, or I suppose, somewhere in between. Plenty to get fertilization, now we just have to pray for implantation.

My husband is really hoping for twins, I think that would be wonderful, but 1 would be an answer to our prayers. I’ve already decided that I won’t be testing early this time because last cycle the obsession was exhausting. I also am not temping or tracking symptoms this cycle. I’ve now had two cycles with the exact same symptoms – one I was pregnant, the other I wasn’t, so that’s one less thing to think about.

Those are my goals for this two week wait – to not obsess. I’m sure that will be easier said than done though. I’m already feeling a nagging pressure in the back of my mind reminding me that if this cycle doesn’t work, we have to take a break before doing another one while we save up some money. And give my body and my emotions a break. I don’t want to take a break though. I want to be pregnant. I want my babies. TTC certainly has a way of taking over you life unlike anything else can. But hopefully a break won’t be necessary because we’ll have a little Junebug on the way.

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IUI – here we go again

This will be my second IUI in the month of September. My doctor’s special cocktail worked very well and very quickly for me and at my scan this morning I had 4 follicles, 31, 21, 21, 20 so I was ready for my trigger shot. The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning, which will be CD10 for me. So this has been the shortest cycle ever.

I have to go to the IUI tomorrow without my DH. He has a work thing he can’t miss, so it will just be me with a nurse to hold my hand. I find it frustrating simply because the IUI’s are always painful for me and that always makes me nervous. And then there’s the obvious problem of DH not being in the room when our child is potentially conceived. But it can’t be helped. The cycle works the way it works and we are at the mercy of it. I am glad and thankful that it timed out early though and that we have such great egg potential.

There is a slight risk for multiples with that many follicles, but I think statistically speaking we still have a higher chance of NOT getting pregnant than we do of getting pregnant with more than one. We’ll take whatever we can get. One would be perfect. Twins would be a blessing. Triplets….that would be an all-out miracle, not to mention a handful.

So we’ll be back in the crazy inducing 2ww tomorrow.

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Injections

I started my injections of Follistim last night. I’m pleased to say, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. The needles are so tiny, that I barely felt anything. It burned a little afterwards, but aside from that, it was painless. Nothing like the intramuscular hCG trigger shots. I’ll do another injection tonight (100iu) and then tomorrow morning we have our first ultrasound to check the size of my follicles. Hopefully we already have 2 or 3 going and we’ll be ready to trigger soon.

In the meantime, I keep getting baby stuff in the mail. It’s from when I bought maternity clothes and gave them my due date. So as I near my due date, I’ve been getting samples of formula, diapers and even vitamins. Lots of coupons too, which is nice is they don’t expire before I get another chance to buy the products.

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Take 3

We had a consult with our RE this morning to discuss the last two failed cycles and how we wanted to proceed from here. DH and I have decided that IVF isn’t an option for us and the IUI treatments are getting costly so we might have to take a break soon. Our doctor was very receptive and said that he probably wouldn’t recommend IVF for us anyways since we’ve already shown that we can get pregnant through IUI. So the next option was to change my medications. So he’s pulling me off Clomid and doing what his office staff calls his special cocktail. I will start on the Femara tonight, for 5 days, and then I will do Follistim, an injectable drug, for a few days. He suspects we’ll be doing the IUI around the 1st of the month.

I think what he’s hoping is that this new combination will produce more mature follicles than the Clomid was doing thus giving us more targets to hit. So I believe my chances for multiples goes up a tad more than before. The other positive thing is that these drugs don’t tend to have the side effects that Clomid have and they don’t decrease in effectiveness as time goes on. All in all, it sounds like a good change for us. The down side, it’s more expensive than the plan we were on before.

In addition to all of this, I bought a new book this week that I’ve been reading called Fertility Foods written by an RE. I have just finished up the eating part of the book and will be reading about the exercise next. Basically it’s a way to combine your protein and carbs to get the right mix to keep your insulin levels regulated. I knew that insulin could negatively effect hormones thus leading to miscarriage, but this doctor also suggests that it can prevent proper implantation. So I must be even more cognizant than ever about what goes in my mouth. No more sweets!

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Losing myself

My friend (who had 2 miscarriages before the birth of her daughter) told me that your desire to have a child when you start trying to conceive is usually pretty strong, but once you’ve been pregnant, it’s like you’ve been given mommy heroin and the desire for children becomes all consuming. I don’t think a truer statement was made to me during my grieving and it is still blaring true.

This drive I have to be a mother is taking such a hold on me, I fear I’m losing myself. It’s all I think about. It’s affecting my work. It’s affecting my marriage. It’s affecting my emotional well-being. And I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t let go. It’s ingrained in me. Part of who I am now. But I can’t continue to allow it to eat at my soul like this.

It’s not that I’m one of those people who has always gotten things easily so I’m not used to working at something. I didn’t meet my husband until a month before I turned 30 and let me tell you there wasn’t a day that went by before that when I didn’t want and seek my soul mate. And then there’s my work. It takes a lot to become a published author. A lot of hard work and a lot of time. It took me 7 years to sell my first book. So yeah, I know a little about waiting for what I want. I guess I just thought I’d done my waiting. That perhaps one of the three things I wanted most in life would come a little easier. And when we got pregnant on that first IUI, it seemed it had.

But here I am again, waiting. Getting negative tests, but still having symptoms. Life seems cruel today, unbending – I am emotionally drained. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

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It’s official

I’m crazy! This two week wait has finally put me over the edge. I’ve taken two tests today and I’m only 10dpo. The last time I was pregnant, I didn’t start testing until the evening of 12dpo and got a VERY faint line then. Today, I think I got two evaps. I’ve held them in every conceivable angle and light. Taken pictures and uploaded them to my computer so I can invert the images. And I’m not any closer to knowing anything now than I was this morning.

I’m certainly having symptoms though.

Cramps – check
Gas – check
Tired – check (this should really be a double check!)
Montgomery tubercles – check

And I’ve also got a stuffy/runny nose and a headache. I know we’ll both be just devastated if this cycle doesn’t work. The IUI’s aren’t cheap and we have already dipped so much into our savings. I think we’re both just feeling the weight of the time constraint. Please God, let this be the cycle.

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Back to waiting

I’m 6 days into the proverbial 2 week wait and it’s not any easier this time around than it ever is. I’m beginning to think that TTC can literally drive you bonkers. Is it any wondering that women are a bit crazy once they become mothers? Just as before ovulation, where you’re ultra-sensitive to every feeling in your body, you’re more so during the 2 week wait. Every minute anything gets put on the chart.

What doesn’t help is the fact that the Clomid, hCG trigger, and Progesterone supplements can be the cause of many symptoms, but it certainly doesn’t prevent me from tracking them. Lately I’ve been gassy (had that with 1st pregnancy), crampy (again with 1st), and extremely tired (yes, with first). It seems to early for any of this to be real, and the fatigue started before I started the progesterone supplements, but I suppose it could be the natural progesterone my body produces. I go tomorrow for the 7dpo P4 blood test.

Technically I’m not supposed to test until next Friday or Saturday, but I tested this morning – no, not to see if I was pregnant, to see if the trigger shot had left my system yet, and I think it has. I suspect I’ll test next Wednesday and see what happens. In the meantime, I’ll be the crazy one in the corner…

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