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Archive for August, 2006

Ready, set, go!

Well, as it turns out, being ultra sensitive is a good thing. I thought yesterday I’d been having some potential ovulation pains so I went ahead and called the RE’s office to see if they could get me in for a scan this morning. We went in the for the scan and sure enough, those follicles are big and ready, so they gave me the trigger shot and we scheduled the IUI for tomorrow afternoon.

I’m still waiting to get the blood results back on my estrogen levels, but hopefully that’s all where it should be and we’ll be in fertilization city tomorrow! I’m trying to remain optimistic, but we were aiming for somewhat smaller follicles this time than last. So who knows what will happen. I’m hoping I’ll get some more information from my doctor tomorrow as he’s supposed to handle the procedure.

The only bad thing about the IUI tomorrow is that DH can’t come with me. This will be my first appointment without him and I’m not looking forward to that. He’s not either. He told me this morning he really doesn’t want to think about our child being conceived without him being there, but on the other hand he’s ready for us to be pregnant again and however that happens works for us.

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Too sensitive?

I believe something clicks in your mind once you being to start trying to conceive. It’s like your nerves hover closer to the surface and your third eye opens. You become radically in tuned to your body. What was that twinge? Was that pull or a poke? Are my veins darker than normal? Do I always have this much saliva? Has my right hand always itched that badly?

Questions like this stream through your mind the entire month, but they are at their peak in the proverbial two week wait. It is then that every little something perks up our ears and raises our suspicions. Could this be my body telling me I’m pregnant? It generally starts very early. Too early for there to be legitimate symptoms, but it doesn’t stop you to know that. Perhaps your baby is so brilliant, they implanted early and these symptoms are, in fact, real.

It’s a mind game we play with ourselves and while the hope is alive, it’s almost euphoric. I remember when I was planning my wedding, I was consumed with wedding details and our registries. I slept, dreamt, breathed, ate wedding stuff. Much to the annoyance (I’m sure) of everyone around me. Then after the wedding was over and I found myself a regular old wife, rather than “the bride.” I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. I suspect birth will be a bit like this. Or perhaps I’ll be too tired to mourn the good, old pregnancy days filled with planning and hope. And frankly, I’d rather have a baby than be planning for one, so maybe it won’t be similar at all. Either way, I’m quite ready to be in that particular predicament.

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Waiting and waiting some more

I wrote a great post on Friday, but right as I went to publish it, my computer freaked out and I lost it. Needless to say, I didn’t try to recreate it. I’m finally done with Clomid and am now just waiting for the eggies to mature. I’ll call the RE’s office on Friday to schedule my mid-cycle ultrasound which will probably be this Sunday. Then hopefully we’ll have the IUI a week from today. I’m so ready for that. For some reason the waiting to ovulate part of this cycle has just taken forever this time. Not sure why as usually it’s the two week wait that drives me nuts.

So I guess for this cycle, the whole thing will drive me nuts. It’s like when I was dating, I wanted to be done dating and just get married. Just fall in love already and get this show on the road. I’m ready for the good stuff. Granted the falling in love part was actually part of the good stuff, but all the angst and unknown that goes with that just made me a big ball of nerves. This is the same way. I keep waiting to just be pregnant already. Well really I keep waiting to just be a mom already, but I’m trying to embrace the whole pregnancy thing. And I’ll know I’ll enjoy it if I can get past all the nerves and worrying about losing another one.

I’m just impatient, that’s all there is to it. You’d think for someone who didn’t meet her husband until she was 29 would understand waiting. And I do understand it, I’m just tired of doing it. I thought since I had to wait forever to meet the love of my life, that perhaps the having kids part would not take so long. Silly me. I still feel in my heart that it will happen. I don’t want to lose that hope. So I’ll be impatient a bit longer and hopefully this will be the magic cycle for us.

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Drugs

No, not those kind. My nightstand looks like a shelf at Walgreens with all the prescription bottles and boxes. And I’m not on nearly the amount of medications that a lot of women endure for infertility, not to mention the daily injections. My course is easier, but still requires maintenance and a good memory. I’m on Metformin for the PCOS and have been since June. I’m hoping that it’s been in my system long enough to have regulated my hormones and strengthened the quality of my eggs. I’m on Propanolol for high blood pressure (caused by the PCOS). Clomid for 7 days (CD 5-11) which generally produces nasty headaches and big time irritability (poor DH). An injection of hCG to trigger ovulation, which this time around DH will probably have to give me. You haven’t lived until your husband has had to give you a shot. Fun times. Prometrium to supplement my progesterone between ovulation and potential pregnancy. And newly added Baby Aspirin to help with any clotting issues I might have. Oh and I mustn’t forget the big, honking prenatal vitamins I take.

All of these things added together give me hope. Hope that the next IUI will work and that we’ll get pregnant. And hope that the pregnancy will be viable and stick, and that in the end I’ll have a beautiful, healthy child to raise.

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How many?

Back before being diagnosed with infertility, before I married at 30, when I was younger and had no time constraints, I always wanted a house full of kids. I thought 4 sounded about right. Reality sets in at some point in adulthood and you realize that you’re probably starting a bit too late for that many kids. Not to mention the strain on my body and poor ovaries with all the medications. So I think we’ve settled on 2 and if we get more, that will be great.

But I haven’t completely given up my dream of a house full. Before I met my husband, I decided that I somewhere down the line I wanted to adopt a child. This should have clued me in that my husband was “the one” when a week after we’d been dating he casually mentioned something about having always wanted to adopt. I’d never mentioned it at that point because we’d only been together for such a short time. But there it was.

We’ve talked about it periodically since then, more so in the last few months as the prospect of not having biological children became a possibility. It’s still something on our hearts, still something we feel called to do. We’re just trying to orient a timeline so that it all works. Right now we haven’t been married long enough for a lot of adoption agencies and our income needs to level out first. And then we have to deal with the fact that financially we’re focusing on fertility treatments. But we’ve found an agency here that we’re investigating and we plan to go to one of their information seminars.

I feel in my heart that we have children out there, both that I will birth, and others that we will adopt. We’re open and ready for a crazy, loud house full of kids that cost too much, whine too often and are generally ungrateful for the better part of their adolescence.

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Support

Among my many blessings in life, my favorite and greatest is my husband. We have a young marriage and in the 17 or so months that we’ve been married, we’ve been through a lot. A lot of trials and hurts, actually. And through it all he’s been right by my side, holding my hand, wiping my tears and crying his own.

I know that most men have difficulty sharing their feelings and I know that my husband is different in that regard. He’s always been quite open about where he is emotionally; he seems to be more in touch than most. I’ve read countless reports of husbands who clam up, get angry and otherwise don’t handle painful situations with any grace at all. Men are like that. But I always feel a pang for these women who have the extra burden of dealing with their husband’s emotions on top of their own pain and grief. That seems unfair.

So I feel doubly blessed to have a husband who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable in front of me, isn’t afraid to let me see him hurt, let me see him cry. He certainly tried his best to be strong for me, and at one point I really needed that, but once I asked, the walls came down. I needed to grieve with him and he was there for me in ways that no other person could have been. We have a young marriage, but it has been forged in the fire and I have no doubt that we could weather any storm.

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Hormones

My poor husband. Ever since we started on the conception journey, my hormones have been on roller-coaster. Well, it actually started before that. I went off the pill about a month after we got married for medical reasons and the hormone issues started then. Only it took us more than a year to get everything diagnosed properly. I don’t think I realized how much the pills had been doing for me. I knew they’d regulated my periods and made them oh-so-much-more-pleasant than before, but evidently they were working hard.

But after I stopped them, there was nothing to regulate my hormones. So my (then undiagnosed) PCOS took over. I gained 40 pounds regardless of the fact that I was exercising more than I ever had in my life and eating healthier. The occasional odd chin hair became less odd and less occasional (how annoying is that?!) My nasty periods came back with a vengeance and my dear husband had to see what PMS was really like since I never had any while we were dating. Talk about bait and switch. And I found out I wasn’t ovulating.

Now, the latter shouldn’t have been a huge surprise. I should have guessed I had ovarian issues since I’d had a cyst at one point. A big one too. So in June of this year I was officially diagnosed with having PCOS caused from insulin resistance (which is not the same as diabetes). They put me on Metformin and I hope it’s doing all it can to regulate my hormones.

In addition to all of this though I take Clomid during certain times of my cycle to mature my follicles so that I’ll ovulate, and this medication should be known as the PMS on steroids drug. I get irritable. Of course that could be because I have an ax through the forehead headache. I feel bloated and weepy. I’m sure there are days when my husband wonders what happened to the sweet and fun woman he married. Infertility has a tendency to change you. Trying to conceive has a tendency to change you. Miscarriage has a tendency to change you.

He’s a good sport though. He never complains even when I know I’m being difficult. Someday I’m sure all of this will be worth it. Someday we’ll hold a little baby in our arms and know that all of these trials were on the road that led us to our child. Someday.

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