Running the emotional gamut

Okay, here’s the latest update. We’ve met N and Baby Girl. N is a beautiful and very sweet woman and I’m just heartbroken for her as I can only imagine having to make such a difficult decision. We’re staying in the same hotel tonight about 3 hours from where DH and I have been staying and where our attorney is and we’ll all carovan there tomorrow so that the paperwork can be signed. Of course nothing is official until she signs and she’ll have 7 days after that to revoke. We’re just trusting in God that everything goes through.

Now I know y’all are all wondering and I don’t have a picture yet, but OH MY GOSH! is Baby Girl absolutly beautiful. I mean stop traffic pretty. We both just stared at her. She has a head full of black curly hair and big dark brown eyes with long eyelashes and her brother has dimples when he smiles so we’ll see about that. And the birthmom is beautiful. It’s a lot to take in, there is so much hopefulness and joy in my heart at the prospect of this being our child, but at the same time I feel so very sad for the mother. I can’t imagine having to walk away from a child simply because I didn’t have the means to care for them. Such courage N has.

Hotel blahs

We were in the hotel most of the day except for a few trips to grocery stores and whatnot. DH was on the phone a lot. Back and forth with both attorneys. At least we know that the attorneys are on board, now we’re just waiting for N to speak with the attorney to coordinate the placement. We’re still hoping for Tuesday afternoon/evening, but we won’t know until tomorrow.

Pink dryer lint

After we got “the call” on Friday, I went shopping. Of course! Up until getting this final word, we hadn’t allowed ourselves to buy anything gender specific. Anything specific to A child. I didn’t buy a ton, just some basics, receiving blankets, onesies, pacifiers and socks. I came home and washed everything and when I pulled everything out of the drier, then cleaned the vent, there is was – pink dryer lint. I actually got tears in my eyes, which I realize is totally silly, but here was freshly washed baby clothes that smelled heavenly and everything was pink or lavender and it was just this very tactile reminder that soon we will bring our daughter home.

We’re here now. In the hotel and the waiting has begun. Tomorrow we’ll continue trying to coordinate everything with the attorneys and hope that the Tuesday plan will come to pass. The birthmom, whom I call N, is about 3 hours from us. We decided to stay in a different town for a couple of reasons, the most practical being that this one just had a better selection of hotels and amenities. We got a mini-suite with a kitchenette and enough room to set up our pack-n-play right by my side of the bed. Tomorrow I’ll go grocery shopping (the store is right next door) so that we can have most of our meals here in our room rather than spending all our money at the local restaurants.

I haven’t unpacked baby girl’s stuff yet. While I don’t think it’s a strong possibility, there is a chance that N will change her mind. But she has had baby girl for 6 weeks now so it seems really unlikely. She spent a lot of time selecting the family to parent her child, it’s evident she put a lot of thought and consideration into her decision. But until we’re back here with baby girl, then her stuff will stay packed neatly in her bags.

Answered Prayers

Well, we got “the call” from the agency today. The birthmom selected us and we’re so happy and excited we hardly know what to do with ourselves. It will be crazy around her the next day or 2 while we get everything ready to go, any hopefully I’ll have a bigger update soon. But YEAH, we’re going to be parents!

Hanging on

If you can believe it, we’re still waiting. The agency said things were taking a lot longer than usual and longer than they anticipated. Some of this comes from a difficulty in communicating with the mother because of her living situation. Each time though, she assures them she’s committed to her adoption plan, but she hasn’t made it past condensing the couples down to 2. We’re supposed to leave for Texas this Sunday for a visit with my family. Now we don’t know if we should delay our trip by a few days to see if we hear anything or not. Since driving to TX is lengthy (17+ hours) then if we got the call after we were there, we’d have to drive all the way back and then drive to where the mother is, which is at a minimum of 3 hours away from us and possibly up to 9, depending on which city she’s in. Everything feels so complicated right now. A definite reminder of how complex adoption is. We’ve just hit the age with this baby too where she’ll start to recognize voices and faces. It’s a delicate time. As much as we’d love to bring her home, we honestly want what’s best for her. And if her mother can find the resources she needs to raise her, then we wish her the best. But if she is truly committed to adoption, we so wish she’d selecte us. I think about how many of our friends and family members are praying for this child and hoping that she joins our family and I think there can’t possibly be a more wanted child in all the world.

If you build it…

they will come. Well, it worked for Kevin Costner, so maybe. We’re still waiting to hear. I’m hoping the fact that we haven’t heard anything this weekend is a good sign, but it’s so hard to tell. But I still feel optimistic, although it is certainly difficult to tell if I feel this baby belongs in our family because she’s meant to be our kiddo or simply because I want her to be. So we’re just moving along and planning as if we’re waiting for that phone call. This weekend we bought our carseat/stroller combo, the pack-n-play which we’ll use as a crib at the hotel and the mattress for the crib. We also picked up our bedding which has been on layaway. So now the nursery is, for the most part, put together. Click on the “view show” below to take a peek.

Stress

There are so many people out there who decide to start their families and they get pregnant immediately and they have easy and uneventful pregnancies and then there are those of us who, it seems, struggle with every step of the road to parenthood.  I’m not really complaining here, just making an observation.  Everyone around me who knows about our current potential situation keeps asking if I’m going nuts and the answer is yes, but only in a good way.  Last year was stressful, the bad kind.  I was tired and moody and sad and defeated and I just hated every moment of fertility treatments.  There simply wasn’t a lot of hope after we lost the baby.  But ever since stepping off that path and onto the one for adoption, everything is just different.  I feel full of hope.  That’s not to say that it doesn’t get difficult, there are still times when it feels as if we’ll never been parents, but they’re brief flashes instead of lingering times of depression.  Right now I feel sick in my stomach and I’ve felt this way for going on 3 weeks now, but it’s a good sick.  The kind of nerves you get before you go on vacation.  I take moments to acknowledge the fact that this might not be our child, even though it certainly feels like she is, but even recognizing that truth can’t dampen my hope and my thrill at what we’re apart of right now.  So sure, I’m feeling totally nutty these days and every-time the phone rings, DH and I about jump out of our skin, but we spend our evenings curled up together talking about the future and what it will be like to have our child snuggled between us.  We talk about car seats and burp clothes and diaper bags.  This morning I got my wrap in the mail and later we’ll watch the DVD and practice with a stuffed animal (I’m guessing the cats would have severe objections to being carted around in a baby sling).  And last night I finally registered with Babies R Us – might as well get started, if nothing else, at least it’s a convenient shopping list.  I’m enjoying every moment of this journey even though it certainly has stressful moments.  But I want to be able to sit down with our child and tell them about how excited Daddy and I were and how we planned and waited by the phone for word that we could go and pick them up.  It’s definitely an adventure.

We’re still in this

I got back from my conference yesterday and DH and I stopped at the our favorite theatre in Knoxville to see Harry Potter before we came home – I think it was very well made and the kids just get better and better. As for the potential adoption situation, we’re still in the midst of it. As of last Wednesday, the agency had received the necessary proof of birth and they were planning to present the three family profiles that night. They told us they intended to move quickly since the baby is already a month old at this point, yet at the same time to be patient because it can take birthmothers a few days to make their decision. I can’t even imagine how you begin to make a choice like that. We’re continuing to pray for the baby girl as well as her mother in this very difficult time for them. And we’re, of course, hoping she picks us, but we know that this child belongs in a specific family and if it is not ours, then our child is still out there. That being said, we sure do want this child, we love her already. So perhaps we’ll hear today and I’ll have another update then.

Conference time

Well, I’m leaving tomorrow morning for my conference and am scheduled to return on Sunday. We called for another update and basically we’re still waiting. But we haven’t been told NO yet, so that’s something. I’m crossing my fingers I have to come home early.

Wondering and waiting

We still haven’t heard an update, but with the holiday and then the weekend, we figure that’s probably normal.  It doesn’t make the waiting easy though.  There are a million things running through our minds, but we keep going back to the simple fact that if this child belongs in our family, all will fall into place and if not, then we’ll keep waiting for our kiddo.  But we’re running on the assumption that we’ll be travelling to pick her up so we’ve been getting the house together and doing laundry and whatnot.  I’ve got a couple of bags packed up with the few baby items we have – diapers, wipes, some blankets and a few pieces of clothing.  So all we need is a phone call and we’re ready.  Of course we still have a many things to buy, the first of which being the car seat and some bottles.  But I’ve used this waiting time to put together some lists so hopefully we’ll be prepared and not wandering through the store without a clue what to get.

In the meantime I’ve been preparing to leave for my conference on Tuesday so I’ve been packing for that too.  But this way if I’m at my conference when we get a call, then DH will not have to wonder what baby stuff to bring, it’s all packed for him.  He can just grab the bag and we can leave from the airport.  We’re close enough to the state where she is to drive, so that’s nice.  In any case, I’ll make sure to post here whenever we get news – good or bad.